Why We Need To Constantly Question Our Self-Perceived Identity?

You are your choices and what you believe

Apr 30, 2024

When I first got into self-development, I was encouraged to repeatedly to create, develop and maintain a unique identity.

This was probably the most tangible advice around what it meant to “just be yourself.” It seems like a piece of good advice. It implied that “I” was a fixed thing I could create, cement as a structure, and then live by. It was promised that if I did all this I would enjoy success, respect and self-worth.

It wasn’t until I tried doing it that I realised something was wrong.

If you’re like me, you’ve been bombarded your entire life with messaging about your identity.

When it’s subtle, it dances around the subject, like being told you need to find a lifelong career, or you need a single purpose in life, or hearing people refer to themselves by their beliefs, job title or activities, like “I’m a Lawyer” or “I’m Christian.” When it’s direct, you’re being told you need to develop into something that fits a strict set of rules and guidelines. Be a man, be a good Christian or Muslim, “you must find yourself” — these are the kind of instructions are often thrown at us.

Most of the time its advice that completely unasked for — and we get a sense that the people delivering these messages know what they’re talking about.

I’d like you to consider the opposite side of this argument: the idea that having an identity is harmful.

What is Identity?

Do ever stop to think and ask yourself, what is my identity and where did I get it from?

“Identity encompasses the memories, experiences, relationships, and values that create one’s sense of self.” — Psychology Today

Many people focus on vocation. When you ask them to introduce themselves, the most common fallback position is their job title. Athlete. Car salesman. Stay-at-home mom. Student. Entrepreneur.

People most commonly identify as what they do for a living, or what they do instead of having a job.

Others, in my experience, try to create an impressive identity, based on particular beliefs they wished to convey. They identify as being part of what they perceive to be an elite group, or they try to make a point of being impossible to categorise.

People say things like, “I’m spiritual” or “I’m a vegan” or the classic “I’m an atheist.” Even something like, “I am consciousness.”

These identity labels come with an unwritten set of rules, standards and boundaries (usually). Whatever the identity, the label is a summary of the rules you must follow to remain true to “yourself.”

The Dark Truth

It’s obvious, isn’t it? Identities are formed by one thing, and one thing only: neediness.

The need to belong. The need to matter. The need to feel connected. The need to have a reason to live.

All of these and more encourage us to create an illusion; a fantasy that gives meaning to the word “me.” We are compelled to try and be something. It’s doesn’t even matter what, as long as we can give it a label and wear it as a uniform.

What’s wrong with that, you may ask? Why not subdue the terrifying sense of chaos that comes with peeking into the idea that human being is not really a thing that can be labelled, or made sense of? Why not just delude ourselves so we can avoid going crazy?

These are fair questions. It’s not my place to say you should kill your identity because I don’t know what’s best for you. What I can speak to, however, is why and how I chose to kill my identity.

Or should I say, identities?

Your Identity is an Illusion

Think about your own identity.

How often have you felt compelled to comply with it, even though the situation seemed to call for something different from you?

“The self is an illusion” — Sam Harris

How many times do you think you missed out on a potentially scary new experience, that may have been great for yourself because you didn’t want to be seen as not “yourself?” The dark truth is that identity is a fiction.

It never existed. In every moment, you are something different to what you’ve ever been before. You’re older every second, so you’re never the same person. Your thoughts, mood and behaviour constantly fluctuates and often breaks the rules of your identity, and — especially when there’s no one around to watch you — you’re often nothing at all.

Letting Yourself Die.

Identity suicide is terrifying.

The idea of letting the labels go, and just being whatever you are in each moment, constantly changing, always a little bit different even when there are trends and preferences, is scary. But so is getting let out of prison after 30 years.

You’re institutionalised by your identity. You’ve accepted it as a life-sentence, and because you ultimately sentenced yourself to it, your reluctant to admit it’s a lie.

Every day you work hard to rebuild and fortify the walls of your prison, simply because you don’t even want to contemplate being nothing.

It’s vital to take the time to question everything you believe in, are your values really yours? Why do you believe in what you believe in, why do I care so much about what I cannot control. Ask yourself these questions and really go deep inside to find the answers.

You might not like what you find but you’ll make progress towards becoming a better person.