Seeking External Validation Leads To Emptiness, So What Do You Do?
Hey friends,
Since I was a little child, I've always struggled with external validation and positive feedback. I started a bad habit of seeking validation from my parents, friends and teachers. I have always wanted to be liked and admired, and let's be honest, who doesn't? It feels good when other people like and admire you.
But the thing is, we all like a little validation from people around us. Psychologists believe validation is the desire to have someone else's approval or agreement with what you see, believe, or do. It isn't all that harmful and can be healthy in certain situations. But the problem began when I started depending on others when it came to making decisions about my life. I believe this stemmed from strict environment and childhood I was raised in, leading to me having difficulty making decisions on my own without someone else input.
As a result, I crave seeking external validation all the time.
Being an Approval Seeker
I've been an approval seeker ever since I can remember as a child.
I grew up feeling not valued or getting praises and encouragement from my parents. This resulted in me having trouble regulating my emotions. As I got older, I constantly compare myself to others and feeling a chronic sense of "lack" without acknowledging my unique strengths. I constantly punish myself for not being "chosen" or acknowledged in contexts such as friendships, school, and at work. I have an inability to disagree with or challenge others due to fear of being judged or abandoned. As a result of not getting enough attention as a kid, I try to overachieve in attempt to garner praises from others.
“Whenever externals are more important to you than your own integrity, then be prepared to serve them the remainder of your life.” —Epictetus
I also jumping from relationship to relationship without taking the time to heal because I feel like I cannot be alone. If you find yourself doing these things, you are a approval seeker, like me.
Effects of Seeking Validation
Depending on validation from others disempowers you in living your own life.
When we constantly seek approvals from others, we only paving the way for more anxiety and depression in our lives. We seek validation from others, especially the people we know personally. We seek validation through conversations or groups. Most often, via today's technology, we seek validation online, such as in social media posts and engagements.
Seeking validation disconnects us from listening to our intuition. Our decisions are best left to ourselves and listening to our gut feeling when thinking of how to proceed. I've learned that it's okay to ask for help when we need a fresh perspective on something, but we ought to be careful to not let that support become a crutch.
When we listen to our intuition, we're also practicing deep tryst within ourselves.
Strategies to Stop Seeking Validation
Practice the habit of detaching from invalidating people.
When you find yourself seeking validation from others; ask yourself if the person you're seeking validation from is a "safe" person who is emotionally nourishing or might exploit you during a vulnerable time. Rather than seeking validation from others, consider slowing down and asking yourself what you need and finding a way to give validation to yourself.
It's crucial to practice harm reduction by not seeking validation from people, especially on social media and people who could potentially cause you more emotional distress.
"Focus on our thoughts and actions, rather than external events beyond our control." -Epictetus
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
We need to stop comparing ourselves with others because not everyone is a great decision-maker.
There is nobody who is flawless. People learn from their mistakes and that's why you feel free to commit some.
"We should accept external events that are beyond our control with equanimity and without complaint." -Epictetus
Put Yourself First
Don't always say yes to people, be honest with them. If you don't want to do something, speak up.
People will understand and come around if they truly care about you.
Focus the majority of your actions on how they will benefit you in the future. You need to put yourself first, spend your first time doing things you love or doing things productively. It's hard to overanalyse other people's lives when you're so busy living your own.
Set Goals for Yourself
Don't live to please others, but live to please yourself.
Make a list of your attainable goals and make sure they are things you want to do. Try to follow through with your goals, as doing so can bring happiness. Know the reason, it should be because you deep down desire this change within you.
We should also examine our thoughts and actions regularly to ensure that they are in line with our values and principles.
Validate Yourself
In summary, external validation may be needed for your well-being, but self-validation and instilling more positive and empowering beliefs can be important to cultivating and maintaining healthy self-esteem.
"Every day you should put the ideas in action that protects against attachment to external such as individual people, places or institutions, even your own body. Remember the law of God and keep it constantly in view. Look to your own means, leave everything that isn't yours alone. Make use of what material advantages you have, don't regret ones you were not allowed. If any of them are recalled let go of them willingly, grateful for the time you had to enjoy them unless you want to be like a child, crying for her nurse or mother."-Epictetus
Engaging in self-care, self-compassion, and healing modalities that best work for you and your needs can help you achieve this balance. Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others.
Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.