Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
The only way to true mental health is through self-compassion
We all have that annoying inner critic voice in our heads. It stops most people from pursuing opportunities for growth as a result of fear or self-imposed beliefs. Our inner critic voice is so nagging and believable—if you are not careful, it will have you thinking negative and unkind thoughts about yourself.
Some people believe their inner critic is there to motivate them to become better, however that could not be further from the truth.
It’s important to understand that your inner critic isn’t driven by logic, so arguing with it is a waste of time. Instead of arguing, ask yourself where the self-criticism is coming from.
Usually, your inner criticism stems from inflated fears about vulnerability and failure. Most of us don’t really mean to be bullies to ourselves. It’s not really something that you consciously and willingly decide to do.While it’s not possible to get rid of our inner critic completely, you can take back your power from your inner critic through the practice of self-compassion.
You weren’t born in a self-sabotaging state, which means that you acquired those habits and behaviours.
And if you learn to self-hate, you can learn to self-love.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the extension of kindness, care and understanding towards oneself instead of criticism and beratement when faced with shortcomings, rejections, inadequacies, or failures.
What does that really mean? Well self-compassion is what we offer ourselves when we make mistakes, fail or embarrass ourselves.
It is the ability to treat yourself like a friend when faced with shortcomings, acknowledging your pain and rejecting the notion we should just “tough it out”. It means to honour and accept yourself for who you are, understanding that life has its ups and downs. Self-compassion has the ability to change your mindset through mindfulness, for example, I’ve noticed small changes in my daily life.
Self-compassion is having grace for yourself.
“Compassion is not a virtue—it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have — it’s something we choose to practice.”—Brene Brown
Benefits of self-compassion
Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a pioneer in self-compassion research, identifies three main components of self-compassion.
Self-kindness entails being understanding and warm to ourselves when we fail or make mistakes. Common humanity is simply recognising that suffering and setbacks are normal and expected parts of life that everyone will encounter. Mindfulness involves observing our emotions and thoughts in a nonjudgmental manner.
You deserve to extend the same kindness to yourself that you would give to someone you love.
It fosters resilience.
In creases motivation.
It enhances self-worth.
It improves body image.
It reduces mental health problems, including anxiety, depression and stress.
“as soon as you notice you’re suffering you automatically embrace yourself with compassion.” — Kristin Neff
How to practice self-compassion?
The inner critic needs to be tackled through self-awareness and understanding.
Practice forgiveness
Stop punishing yourself for your mistakes. Accept that you are not perfect and be gentle with yourself when you are confronted with your shortcomings. You are valued by your friends and colleagues for who you are, not because you are faultless.
Become aware of times when you derive a sense of self-worth from performance or perfection. Understand that you don’t need to be a certain way to be worthy of love.
One way is to remind yourself—you are worthy, put a sticky note near your desk or in your wallet with a message to be gentle and kind with yourself.
Express gratitude
Feeling gratitude is very powerful.
Rather than wishing for what we do not have—there is strength in appreciating what we do have, right now. You can choose to write a gratitude journal or go for gratitude walks. Daily gratitude walks literally changed my life.
By focusing on our blessings we employ a gentler inner voice and move away from our shortcomings and outward to the world—with all its beauty.
You are worthy of love. So, next time you do not rise to the expectations you have for yourself — take a moment to pause and reassess.
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, focus on treating yourself with kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect?
Finally, accept yourself.
I work a lot with men experiencing sexual health issues. The "inner critic" may be the most prevalent issue I see, and it changes men's physiology as well as mental health. Wild how strong it is.
Absolutely agree with you Johnny, it’s a thing that a lot of men experience but rarely talk about. It’s something I’m still going through in therapy; it’s a program I believe I develop when I was younger. I try to open more dialogue with my male friends and really help each other with their mental health; especially the inner critic.